Our Evergreen Work: Using What We Learn in UNASB to Have Real Conversations Across Difference
There’s More That Connects Us Than Divides Us: Shifting Our Focus From Persuasion to Connecting Interpersonally
We tried something new in UNASB this week. Two of our members shared useful tactics about having uncomfortable conversations grounded in tried and tested behavioral therapy, psychology, and political science research. Andrea Gilliam, a lawyer and leadership coach, spoke about staying curious and sharing stories to build connection, rather than try to persuade. Anthony Aguirre, a licensed therapist, shared behavioral skills that help us improve relationships with the “other side” while holding our boundaries.
What We Get Wrong About Persuasion
Listening to right-wing content – with the extreme views that the almighty algorithm immediately seems to think you want (hello rank bigotry!) – hasn’t been easy. In addition to our podcast listening and discussion, UNASB has an evergreen assignment to have conversations with those in your life with whom you disagree politically. It’s easy to want to persuade someone to change their mind, but that isn’t the most effective approach. This presentation sought to bridge the gap between consuming inflammatory political content and engaging thoughtfully with actual people in real life.
Myth 1 The “Other Side” Is Extreme
That starts with a level-setting about who we’re talking to. Polarization is real, but most Americans are less extreme than the loudest voices make it seem, especially when we listen to right-wing media. (Again, algorithm.) On average, Democrats and Republicans believe that 55 percent of their opponents’ views are extreme, but in reality only about 30 percent are. To have a conversation, we have to view each other as people first, not a caricature of the other side.
Myth 2 Facts Change Minds
What we get wrong about persuasion is often rooted in the assumption that people change their minds because they are presented with better facts or stronger arguments. In other words, we think that facts change minds, when we should pay more attention to emotion and values. In the book How Minds Change, David McRaney details the research from political science, psychology, and behavior change suggests something more complicated: beliefs are deeply tied to identity and group belonging.
Instead of trying to force agreement or “win” an argument, effective persuasion is often about creating enough openness, trust, and safety for people to reflect and think differently for themselves. We need to create the conditions where new thinking becomes possible. People change more when they generate their own reasons, not when they’re told what to do or think. We see this across disciplines.
Myth 3 Someone Will Change Their Mind in One Conversation
We recognize that minds don’t change overnight and instead think about each conversation as planting seeds of possibility, giving opportunity for a new perspective. Progress is moving the dial just a little. Social change is not a solitary act, but is multifaceted and complex.
What Works? Listening, Sharing Stories, Staying Curious
Conversation can create community, connection, and understanding. Each conversation we have is a contribution. We’re affected by our friendships and relationships and finding a little common ground can go a long way. And even in a conversation with a stranger, deep canvassing shows us that non-judgmental listening and sharing stories goes a long way to creating conditions that allow minds to change.
It’s equally important to create a reciprocal opportunity by keeping our own minds open to change. Politics is often framed as right versus wrong, but in a polarized world, persuasion isn’t about certainty or winning. It’s about expanding what’s possible. It’s about creating space; for curiosity, for complexity, and for movement. Curiosity is a superpower and learning is a powerful shared goal.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers us tools for how to have these conversations in a productive way, while staying grounded and respecting our own boundaries. Two useful frameworks we spoke about in our meeting were the FAST and GIVE techniques outlined below.
Skills to Hold Yourself and The Other Up During a Hard Conversation
When engaging with people on the right, we have a tendency to move into fight or flight mode. It’s critical to stay in-tuned with the other person during these conversations. Interpersonal effectiveness is a therapeutic pillar that emphasizes healthy relationship maintenance over being right. The more Democrats practice these skills, the more likely we are to bridge massive communication gaps that may never be truly bridged but are worth understanding.
As the research above shows us, it’s easy to fall into the trap of relying on facts that align with our values while overlooking the facts that align with theirs. This tendency feeds into the stereotype – which isn’t entirely inaccurate – that Democrats bring white papers and data to fist fights. Using the skills below helps ground us in connection, understand the other person’s perspective, and build with the conversation.
GIVE
“GIVE” is a useful strategy for building and maintaining positive relationships. GIVE means:
Being Gentle in one’s approach keeps fight or flight emotions down. Try to sit with the other person, use direct eye contact, and a calm voice.
Acting Interested in the other person’s perspective gives you a benchmark to test your own ideas against. For example, “Oh interesting - can you tell me more about how you got to that conclusion?”
Validating the other’s perspective reinforces the notion that their experience is based on their reality, the same as your own. For example, “I want to make sure I hear you correctly, you’re saying [repeat back your understanding of their position].”
Using an easy manner keeps the conversation light. Smile, use humor when able, and don’t take yourself too seriously!
FAST
“FAST” is an approach that allows us to set boundaries and maintain self-respect in difficult conversations. FAST entails:
Being fair to yourself and the other person holds your own boundaries while others’ exist as they are. For example, “While I respect that you think what you do, it’s important you hear out where I’m coming from as well” Not over-apologizing for your own beliefs is critical to letting the other person know you come from a place of strength. For example, “I won’t be disrespectful in this conversation, but I’d love you to examine my mindset as well.”
Sticking to your personal values is critical to who you are.Make sure you are consistent in your beliefs. For example, if respect is in your political philosophy, reflect that in the personal discussion as well.
Finally, being truthful in these discussions are important. For example, “I didn’t know that fact. I still believe my position is accurate, but I’d love to hear more about what you’re saying.” If you hear information that contradicts your bias, be open to its existence and examine it critically.
We’re looking forward to taking these skills out into our real world conversations. This is where our evergreen assignment comes into play. The next time we find ourselves having difficult conversations, let’s try meeting the other person where they’re at. Let’s avoid the instinct to try to persuade them.
Let’s actually listen to what they are saying and notice places where we might find alignment. Let’s listen to their worldview, and challenge our own.
By using GIVE and FAST we can strengthen our boundaries and stand by our values while continuing to build bridges and make powerful connections across the political divide.
What UNASB Members Are Reading:
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