Finding Ways to Talk to My Republican In-Laws

How UNASB helped me finally get my footing with my conservative in-laws and in doing so has given me an inkling of hope for a better world

“We’re just so worried about offending you; it always feels like we’re walking on eggshells.” Before I could fully process the scene before me —my mother-in-law’s big, bellowing tears, her cracking voice as she squeezed my father-in-law’s hand resting on her leg —my body physically deflated against the railing opposite them.

For the past six years, I’ve tried to learn, listen, adapt, and have productive discourse with my in-laws, who range from apolitical to deeply conservative on any given topic. I’ve consulted countless friends, read articles, looked up bible verses, and tried various strategies — even securing a sneaky Harris-Walz vote from my mother-in-law — in hopes of combating the misinformation, hate, and ignorance that has transformed this country and dominated thinking in their small North Carolina town.

By my own standards and the standards of those I trusted with this situation, I was doing everything right. Yet here I was, all these years later, watching my mother-in-law sob on the couch without uttering a word.

I was failing. I am failing. Everything I seem to do is counterproductive to the outcome I so desperately want. If I can’t even make progress with my own family (who love me!), how am I supposed to successfully engage with strangers (who don’t)? Even more worrisome, how is the Democratic Party supposed to do this on a national scale?

I don’t have all the answers; in fact, I have very few. But after being in UNASB and connecting with brilliant people who care about this country like I do, I can honestly say I’ve learned a hell of a lot more in the past few months from being challenged by my UNASB peers than I have from my inner circle over the last six years.

My top 3 takeaways from the club:

Political engagement is a new concept to some people. We have to be patient, compassionate, and vulnerable to make it a shared experience.

I’ve had the privilege of engaging with politics my whole life. I was raised by an outspoken liberal mother in San Diego who cared deeply about our country’s political landscape. We openly discussed issues, went to protests, and volunteered for campaigns — all leading me to study political science and public policy in college.

My mother-in-law is a devout Christian, born in 1965 in a small suburb in southern Virginia. She didn’t go to college, was a military wife starting in her early 20s, and was “put on this earth by God to be a mother.” She didn’t discuss, engage, or value “all that other stuff” because she felt she had no business doing so. Needless to say, a bit different than those I'm used to talking about social or policy issues with.

Until I joined UNASB, I never once stopped to imagine how jarring it must have been for her to have me come barreling in as her son’s newish girlfriend during the 2020 election, lecturing on how borders, genders, and race are social constructs to uphold white supremacy. I've always freely shared my opinions, but I’ve never really explained why.

An incredible point brought up by a fellow UNSABer (shoutout Ani) is that at the very outset of a discussion with someone who holds a different POV, start with being vulnerable about why it matters to you. Not in an abstract, moral high ground type of way, in a real af, concrete “my grandmother was a refugee and the United States basically allowed my existence which is why I care about immigration” type of way.

If you don’t have reasons why you care about the stuff you’re arguing, I suggest you do some self-reflection because that ain’t it.

The world is changing at a pace that feels deeply overwhelming to a lot of people. We have to make sure all people know they have a place in it.

My in-laws' behavior and beliefs on a micro-level are in direct opposition to how they vote. They’re incredibly welcoming, generous, and would do anything for anyone, yet they support these exclusionary politics that make “America much less free, less just” to borrow a few words from USNABer Sophie Levy. It’s absolutely maddening.They are so clearly voting out of fear, an attempt to go back to a time where things made more sense to them as white, southern, middle-class Americans.

What we've learned in UNASB is the permission structure the right has given their base, a sort of hall pass around not feeling guilty or ashamed about the past, present, or future. Conversely, the left has — unintentionally or not, — made most people feel like they’re not smart enough, not woke enough, not engaged enough— just not enough.

Within the club(, we’ve talked about ways to combat this perception of the left as the exclusionary party. We’ve ideated on everything from the youth vote, improved content creation, having 1:1 conversations with people in your life — all coming back to the same conclusion that the pivotal first step for every single one of us is to swallow our discomfort and actually take the time to talk with people who think and feel differently.

At risk of sounding cliche, it genuinely does not matter what you say, but my god does it matter how you make people feel.

In a time where it is so easy (and many times justified) to be an asshole, be a kind and decent person. Talk to your neighbors, smile at strangers, hold the door open for people, allow yourself to feel and spread joy. If there is any chance of us rediscovering our shared humanity, we have to compassionately interact with each other; that starts long before a conversation around our political views.

I fully acknowledge that writing this on the heels of Charlie Kirk’s death, more school shootings, and all the other harmful, scary shit going on, does feel a bit insane. There are people in our country (and world) whose entire existence is under attack or are being disappeared off the streets for speaking a different language.

However, this avoidant behavior is what got us here in the first place. We have to start talking to the people in our lives who think and feel differently. We have to want to understand, and more than just understand, we have to be prepared on how to think about and respond to their issues in a way that resonates with them. UNASB has helped me see and believe in a better path forward for the first time in almost a decade, and I want to bring as many others along on that journey as possible, especially my in-laws. Not only because it’s the right thing to do, but also because it feels so much better not to be alone.